A to Z Challenge - U

A to Z Challenge – U

U is for Unforgiving.

Sounds a little harsh? It actually has a bitter feeling in my mouth when I say it – Unforgiving. It could be the seam in your pants after you’ve eaten a large meal, it could be your heart after someone has done something terrible to you.

The pants are a little easier to fix, you take them to the tailor and they sew up the seam you busted out – maybe lose a little weight and not be such a glutton next time. But, what if it is your heart that is unforgiving?

It’s almost like a bitter seed that settles in your heart, you can feel it, pick at it, nudge it along a little and with enough bitterness and bile you can even make it grow. I had my own bitter seed of Unforgiving and from time to time I struggle with the vines that I let it grow and trust me I let it grow some doozies!  One thing I have learned is that it is really, really easy to hold on to the pain, the hurt, the wrong that was done and it is so incredibly hard to make the choice to forgive and let that little seed go. Especially if that little seed takes root, grows and spreads.

Forgiving is not a onetime event. If it were then life would be good – I know the motto is “Forgive and Forget,” but in reality our little brains hold on to the events that are painful to try and keep us from them. (Except for childbirth – apparently, our brains are wired to forget the pain of childbirth so we will have more kiddos!) Recalling those memories can trigger those feelings of hurt and anger all over again, even if you have already deep down in your heart forgiven that person. I have made it to the point that when those memories surface, I actually remember the exact moment I forgave that person. Sometimes it is easier than others…not gonna lie!

I remember the feeling of letting it go, of letting the unforgiving little seed go. It was heart wrenching, it was so much a part of who I had become…and I didn’t like that person. I was bitter, angry, I had a short fuse and I was in jeopardy of completely losing myself in the vines that the bitter little seed I had given so much fuel to feed would take over.

Unforgiving…I was, I was Unforgiving and I relished in it. I let anyone who cared see how wronged I had been, I was so unforgiving. Thank God, Thank God – I was able to finally forgive. I continue to forgive.

I haven’t really gone into the Bible Verse part of how I make it through, but now seems like a good time.  Romans 8:28 –“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” If this is true, and I believe that it is, then how can I let that bitter seed of Unforgiving ferment and grow in my heart. If God has a bigger purpose for whatever pain I experience, how can I hold onto the hurt, pain and anger? What is that purpose? I don’t know, except maybe I can help someone through the pain….

Do I think for an instant that means I shouldn’t let my memories protect me from future pain – no I don’t! God helps those who help themselves – RIGHT?!

Whew – this A to Z Challenge is tough!

Live, Laugh, Love ~

Vanilla Mama