Facing the Test...Returning!

Lamentations 3:40 - Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the LORD.

My ways have been lacking. There really is no need to test them and I hate to even bring it to the light that my ways are lacking.

Let me clarify – I have not lost faith. My God is an awesome God, He holds me up in His warm embrace of love. He is my strength, my breath, and my hope. I pray everyday, I turn my thoughts to Him and His will. His Son strengthens me and the Holy Spirit fortifies me.

Okay, I am really not trying to sound preachy or holier than thou…cause trust me, I am not. I fall everyday. I struggle everyday. Every. Day.

Doesn’t everyone? Every. Day? I think if you answer no, you are kidding yourself.

You may not even recognize your struggles, or if you do – you will not acknowledge them. Perhaps a certain river comes to mind. (De-Nile…Denial, get it? Haha – really, really old joke!)

Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the LORD.

What kind of test can I expect?

I know, I know where I am falling short. And even in the admission, I am sure that there are more ways that I am falling short of living the life that our Father has envisioned for me. Yes, I believe that He has a life planned for me. Through everything that I have been through, all the good, bad and ugly I have experienced…I know He has a plan. The God of heaven and earth that has numbered every hair on my head – He has a plan!

Do I expect to know it in this mortal body? Can I fully appreciate it with my imperfect heart? Are there parts of my life that I cannot even begin to imagine the WHYs of? YES!

And, I suppose that is part of my test.

Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the LORD.

I need to return to the Lord. I know it with my mind, I know it with my heart, I know it in my soul. I feel him calling to me.

How can I say that? How do I know? When I decided it was time to do a post, I went to my Happiness Mug (don’t know what that is, click here and see!) and pull out a Fortune. I pulled out, “You will make through the tough times, keep your chin up.” I just couldn’t.

Sometimes a Fortune Cookie can be incredibly insightful. But, tonight I couldn’t do it. I felt pulled to just type, “Bible Verse of the Day” into my browser bar…and Google brought me here.

Feels a little like being “talked to.” I just got called out. He wants me to return to Him.

Return to worship, return to praise, return to His house. He wants me to keep my chin up, to remember He has the Master Plan.

It is really hard some days to keep that simple thing in mind. I will pray for you – please pray for me!

~Live, Laugh, Love,
Vanilla Mama

Mission of Fortune

“Let your life be a mission, not an intermission!”

This year has been the worst year in my memory, as a family we have lost so much. My father, my brother, my friend (not a death, but now she is somebody that I used to know)…our hopes, our dreams. Changed, rearranged…the normal changed to a bizarre and surreal abnormal. Life altered and hopes destroyed. How, how do we move on?

I am right now in an intermission…I want the pause. I want, I need a break from reality. My breath is held. Waiting for peace. Begging for peace. Desiring nothing more than to wake up from this cruel dream.

A mission, how can my life be a mission? How can I pick myself up and stop this…stop this madness, stop this intermission? I do not know.

Even now, when I see a picture of my father or my brother, my breath catches in my chest and I am immobilized with grief. A sudden memory of them will freeze me. Knowing that there is such a vast hole, a deep black hole where they used to be crushes me.

Every day is step by step. Each moment is breath by breath.

I know that prayers and Christ lift me up, and my unceasing prayer is that this loving God that I cannot claim to understand – show me what my mission is. In all honesty, I cannot see it…cannot feel it…cannot begin to understand. 

“Let your life be a mission, not an intermission!”

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28. I am working toward this, I believe it. Sweet Lord in Heaven above – take my life, and lead me.

Live, laugh, love ~ like there is no tomorrow -

Vanilla Mama

PS…I am sure there are lucky numbers on the back of this fortune, the mission I charge you with is to make sure you tell the ones that you love…that you LOVE them. All our days are numbered and we do not know how many we have.

Stumbling Fortune

“When you stumble your love will be there to catch you.”

The last few months have been some of the hardest of my life. Some days are better than other – some days I stumble. Stumble so hard that I can barely breath – my heart will literally skip a beat and I feel the world spinning.

Have you had that feeling?

Like you are there, present – fully, but not really. Almost like what is happening, or has happened really only happened to someone else.  A dream state – a nightmare world, an alternate reality that I want out of.

A stumble so hard that mentally I have skinned my knees. Scraped my elbows. Bumped my head.

“When you stumble your love will be there to catch you.”

“Your love” – all your love – from every source, from friends, from family, from God. All that love, will catch you, catch me…please, please catch me.

When I stumble my love will be there to catch me. All the love that has been bestowed upon me, it is mine. Mine to cling to when my heart is hurting, when I stumble. Mine to share with anyone else who may need it. Because –

Did you know…Did you know love grows when you share it?

I know that – I believe that.

When a man loves a woman it can grow into a child. That is a literal interpretation – to be sure. But, seriously creating a child is supposed to be one of the most expressive and intimate acts of love. (Of course Human nature being what it is – it gets perverted, but I am not going to even touch that here, right now!)

Opening up your heart to a new person – expressing your love to someone, can and does make your love grow. Your circle of people can grow and deepen – if you let it.

“When you stumble your love will be there to catch you.” – if you let it.

Every day you meet people, you don’t know what these people are going through. Did they just get a speeding ticket, did a family member just die – are they just plain stupid, are they going to be a soul mate? Someone that when you meet them, you know the rest of your life is not complete without them…It could be a parent, it could be a sibling, it could be a mom you meet during a little league game, it could be the person behind you in the grocery store line, or the man who helped edit your book…a soul mate is someone that touches your soul. If you let them.

In the last few months I have an extremely dear friend that I called my sister walked away, I lost my father – my life is in flux. I have stumbled…I have fallen, but my love, your love is there to catch me.

I let it…I have left myself open. I am here and present, even though I want to pretend the last few months never took place…

Live, laugh, love ~
Vanilla Mama

Fatherly Fortune

My Dad taking care of Little Me!

I have not posted much as late, and will be checking in from time to time. But, life as usual has thrown myself and my family a tremendous curveball that I need to be fully present for.

My precious father, my Dad, my Daddy – has been in and out of the hospital since Thanksgiving of last year and recently they finally were able to tell us what he was suffering from. This strong, capable, loving man is suffering from pancreatic cancer. It is advanced and it is incurable.

 

All the fortunes in the world, all the little slips of papers that are stuffed in little bites of cookies – do not prepare anyone for this.

Please keep my family in your prayers. Please keep my Father in your prayers, please keep my Mother in your prayers. These two incredible people who have made my life possible, who daily show me an example of love and selflessness, who are facing one of the most difficult things a married couple can face together…with dignity and grace.

Even when I am not there with them, my heart is. I want to wrap my Daddy up in love and protect him from pain and from fear. I want to lift my Mom’s heart up and protect it from the hurt and anxiety. I want to shield my brother, my nieces, my children – I cannot, no one can.

There is one verse, one Bible verse that I look to – Romans 8:28. There is a reason – there is a reason for all this pain, and I pray that God will make it apparent at some point.

 

The outpouring of love and support from friends and family for my Dad has been such a blessing – and I encourage anyone who reads this to reach out today and let someone know that you care. Reach out today…

 
With love, blessings and best wishes~
Vanilla Mama

Beautiful, Scary Thing!

Beautiful, Scary Thing -

Sorry, couldn't resist Scrabble like tiles!

John 3:35 - Jesus said to them, "I am the bread of life; whoever comes to me will never hunger, and whoever believes in me will never thirst.”

For me today, this is a hard one. Although I am one of the first people who will say it happens in God’s time, God will provide, if God brings you to it, He will bring you through it….I am also working really hard to convince myself. If I were to list off all the things that have gone wrong lately, or are not going right, or just simply not going how “I” want them to go, I would just sound like I am whining – and honestly I don’t have enough cheese to go with all the whine!

Realistically I could spend hours going on about everything…realistically I probably have, and I probably will again. It is a waste of my energy, a waste of the precious resources that God has entrusted in me.

Trusting in those words, trusting that God always has my back, trusting that my silver needs a little purifying – is hard. Really, Really Hard! I don’t feel like I am able to do enough, trust enough. Jesus said to me, “I am the bread of life; whoever comes to me will never hunger, and whoever believes in me will never thirst.” Jesus said that to me – today. But, I have to believe in Him. I have to trust in Him – I have to let go. Such a beautiful, scary thing...to let go, to trust!

In short, I have to trust in the resources that God has entrusted in me. He trusted me enough to give them to me…and he gave them to you to.

I have to say that again, because I had never thought about that before – I have to TRUST in the resources that God has ENTRUSTED in me!

The big question here though is what am I hungry for? What I am thirsty for? Are they really things that God wants for me in my life? Are they really things that God has entrusted resources in me to do? I realize that it is my choice; free will is a beautiful, scary thing.

But, what would it feel like to spend eternity thirsty, spend eternity hungry? Spending all the energy and resources that I have trying to satisfy them? Whining won’t help – not even with the yummiest cheese!

I can choose to trust God, I can choose to not…I have been entrusted that choice. I can choose to be hungry, I can choose to be thirsty….or I can choose to trust in God to fill those needs.

A Beautiful, scary thing.

Live, Laugh, Love ~

Vanilla Mama

A to Z Challenge - U

A to Z Challenge – U

U is for Unforgiving.

Sounds a little harsh? It actually has a bitter feeling in my mouth when I say it – Unforgiving. It could be the seam in your pants after you’ve eaten a large meal, it could be your heart after someone has done something terrible to you.

The pants are a little easier to fix, you take them to the tailor and they sew up the seam you busted out – maybe lose a little weight and not be such a glutton next time. But, what if it is your heart that is unforgiving?

It’s almost like a bitter seed that settles in your heart, you can feel it, pick at it, nudge it along a little and with enough bitterness and bile you can even make it grow. I had my own bitter seed of Unforgiving and from time to time I struggle with the vines that I let it grow and trust me I let it grow some doozies!  One thing I have learned is that it is really, really easy to hold on to the pain, the hurt, the wrong that was done and it is so incredibly hard to make the choice to forgive and let that little seed go. Especially if that little seed takes root, grows and spreads.

Forgiving is not a onetime event. If it were then life would be good – I know the motto is “Forgive and Forget,” but in reality our little brains hold on to the events that are painful to try and keep us from them. (Except for childbirth – apparently, our brains are wired to forget the pain of childbirth so we will have more kiddos!) Recalling those memories can trigger those feelings of hurt and anger all over again, even if you have already deep down in your heart forgiven that person. I have made it to the point that when those memories surface, I actually remember the exact moment I forgave that person. Sometimes it is easier than others…not gonna lie!

I remember the feeling of letting it go, of letting the unforgiving little seed go. It was heart wrenching, it was so much a part of who I had become…and I didn’t like that person. I was bitter, angry, I had a short fuse and I was in jeopardy of completely losing myself in the vines that the bitter little seed I had given so much fuel to feed would take over.

Unforgiving…I was, I was Unforgiving and I relished in it. I let anyone who cared see how wronged I had been, I was so unforgiving. Thank God, Thank God – I was able to finally forgive. I continue to forgive.

I haven’t really gone into the Bible Verse part of how I make it through, but now seems like a good time.  Romans 8:28 –“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” If this is true, and I believe that it is, then how can I let that bitter seed of Unforgiving ferment and grow in my heart. If God has a bigger purpose for whatever pain I experience, how can I hold onto the hurt, pain and anger? What is that purpose? I don’t know, except maybe I can help someone through the pain….

Do I think for an instant that means I shouldn’t let my memories protect me from future pain – no I don’t! God helps those who help themselves – RIGHT?!

Whew – this A to Z Challenge is tough!

Live, Laugh, Love ~

Vanilla Mama