Fortune of Light

Fortune of Light - 

“You should be able to undertake and complete anything you desire.”

From my fortune cookie to God’s ears…umm, eyes. 

I have undertaken many things in my life – some I have completed, some I have not. The key word there is SHOULD.

I SHOULD be able to undertake and complete anything I desire. 

I SHOULD be able to keep up with posting on my blog, finishing my novel (that I have been working on for literally YEARS!), finishing my classes, keeping my house organized and cleaned.  I SHOULD be able to do a 2 mile walk every day, get my Yoga in, keep up with two jobs, three kids and a husband, and my shows on Food Network….I have undertaken all of this. Should, could, would…

Deep breath, everyone…Haha! 

Life gets better, I always does. (Believe me I have learned NOT to say…”It can’t get any worse!”)

I really do see the light at the end of the tunnel – could be the train…at least I have a sense of humor still. Really I do, I gotta! Without a sense of humor, the night falls to fast. 

 I see the daylight, not a daylight so bright that I need to wear shades or cause a mind splitting migraine….but a softly breaking dawn that is embracing me in warmth and love.

“You should be able to undertake and complete anything you desire.”

I have things I am looking forward to – the Next Food Network Star, losing my last 20 pounds…okay, maybe 30, the end of my classes, seeing my sons grow into men, the start of a new chapter of my life, the new Despicable Me movie coming out next year. Guess what my ring tone is….if you have gone back through and read some of my blog, you know I love Despicable Me and I love my Minions. I digress... 

And – with that, I am off to bed. It’s been a pretty long week…my littlest one had his tonsils out and we are medicating around the clock for a weird headache, my sleep is on the low end of the scale right now and unfortunately the bright daylight that won’t let me hit snooze on it will come much too soon! 

As always –

Live, Laugh, Love ~

Your Vanilla Mama

PS – Lucky numbers could help my Breaking Dawn (and NO, I don’t think much could help that movie, maybe better basting for Bella? I digress…) 2, 31, 37, 39, 40, 42.

Stumbling Fortune

“When you stumble your love will be there to catch you.”

The last few months have been some of the hardest of my life. Some days are better than other – some days I stumble. Stumble so hard that I can barely breath – my heart will literally skip a beat and I feel the world spinning.

Have you had that feeling?

Like you are there, present – fully, but not really. Almost like what is happening, or has happened really only happened to someone else.  A dream state – a nightmare world, an alternate reality that I want out of.

A stumble so hard that mentally I have skinned my knees. Scraped my elbows. Bumped my head.

“When you stumble your love will be there to catch you.”

“Your love” – all your love – from every source, from friends, from family, from God. All that love, will catch you, catch me…please, please catch me.

When I stumble my love will be there to catch me. All the love that has been bestowed upon me, it is mine. Mine to cling to when my heart is hurting, when I stumble. Mine to share with anyone else who may need it. Because –

Did you know…Did you know love grows when you share it?

I know that – I believe that.

When a man loves a woman it can grow into a child. That is a literal interpretation – to be sure. But, seriously creating a child is supposed to be one of the most expressive and intimate acts of love. (Of course Human nature being what it is – it gets perverted, but I am not going to even touch that here, right now!)

Opening up your heart to a new person – expressing your love to someone, can and does make your love grow. Your circle of people can grow and deepen – if you let it.

“When you stumble your love will be there to catch you.” – if you let it.

Every day you meet people, you don’t know what these people are going through. Did they just get a speeding ticket, did a family member just die – are they just plain stupid, are they going to be a soul mate? Someone that when you meet them, you know the rest of your life is not complete without them…It could be a parent, it could be a sibling, it could be a mom you meet during a little league game, it could be the person behind you in the grocery store line, or the man who helped edit your book…a soul mate is someone that touches your soul. If you let them.

In the last few months I have an extremely dear friend that I called my sister walked away, I lost my father – my life is in flux. I have stumbled…I have fallen, but my love, your love is there to catch me.

I let it…I have left myself open. I am here and present, even though I want to pretend the last few months never took place…

Live, laugh, love ~
Vanilla Mama

Breathing

How do you measure a loss?

What constitutes a loss?

We are constantly watching Wall Street and the gas pumps, every nickel, every penny….tracking loss.

Losing your phone, losing your keys, losing your dog….

I have lost all of those.

And most anyone who is reading this will acknowledge that none of these, NONE of these prepare you for the loss of a person. A live, human, breathing, loving person.  A person that you love.

How do you measure that loss? How do you get past it? There is no financial advisor, no hidden extra keys, no micro chip embedded in a lost pet, no cell phone insurance – they are gone.

A co-worker, a friend, a family member…an aunt, an uncle, a grandparent, a parent, a sister, a brother,  a spouse, a child…how, do you measure that loss. How do you move on?

Day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute, second by second – breath by breath!

Please keep my family in your prayers. We have lost so much…we have lost my father to pancreatic cancer. My grandfather’s son, my mother’s husband of 40 years  (almost 41 years), a sibling to my aunts, an uncle to my cousins, a friend to many more than I could name….he has gone home.

He was welcomed home by many loved ones, friends, cousins, aunts, uncles, a mother and a grandbaby.

Day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute, second by second – breath by breath.

Fortune Cookies, Bible Verses, and Prayers…many, many prayers!

Most important - Prayers!

Fatherly Fortune

My Dad taking care of Little Me!

I have not posted much as late, and will be checking in from time to time. But, life as usual has thrown myself and my family a tremendous curveball that I need to be fully present for.

My precious father, my Dad, my Daddy – has been in and out of the hospital since Thanksgiving of last year and recently they finally were able to tell us what he was suffering from. This strong, capable, loving man is suffering from pancreatic cancer. It is advanced and it is incurable.

 

All the fortunes in the world, all the little slips of papers that are stuffed in little bites of cookies – do not prepare anyone for this.

Please keep my family in your prayers. Please keep my Father in your prayers, please keep my Mother in your prayers. These two incredible people who have made my life possible, who daily show me an example of love and selflessness, who are facing one of the most difficult things a married couple can face together…with dignity and grace.

Even when I am not there with them, my heart is. I want to wrap my Daddy up in love and protect him from pain and from fear. I want to lift my Mom’s heart up and protect it from the hurt and anxiety. I want to shield my brother, my nieces, my children – I cannot, no one can.

There is one verse, one Bible verse that I look to – Romans 8:28. There is a reason – there is a reason for all this pain, and I pray that God will make it apparent at some point.

 

The outpouring of love and support from friends and family for my Dad has been such a blessing – and I encourage anyone who reads this to reach out today and let someone know that you care. Reach out today…

 
With love, blessings and best wishes~
Vanilla Mama

Strange Fortune

“An hour with one friend is worth more than ten with strangers.”

Lately I have not had enough time with my friends. Spending a lot of time with strangers – nature of retail, but not enough with friends. We will message back and forth about getting together for a girl’s night, but it hasn’t happened recently.

These ladies, these amazing friends that I treasure – I miss them. We connected through our kids at various points in our lives and blessedly, even though our kiddos have grown (mostly) we have been able to maintain the connection. Even if we don’t talk or see each other on a regular basis, we click when we are together.

I am blessed to know these women and men. (Yes, I am one of those people who believe you can be friend with a man without ending up sleeping with him.) God puts these people in your life for a reason. We may never know why we connect with the cashier at Albertson’s or the Mom at your son’s first basketball practice – who ends up being like the sister you never had.

There are people that enter your life everyday – you might meet them through your kids, through work, standing in the line at the grocery store. Maybe they are one of the strangers that you end up spending ten hours with. What matters is that you are open to letting them in.

I write this with a heavy heart, I miss my friends. Desperately, truly miss my friends. There is one incredible woman I miss and think about constantly – she is in my prayers, my thoughts and my heart. If there was anything she asked for, I would be there.

I am actually going to make this a fairly short post, because I am going to look and my calendar and see when I can get a girl’s night planned.  I think we all need to reconnect – couple of margaritas, some sangria and maybe a box…umm..bottle of wine!

“An hour with one friend is worth more than ten with strangers.”

Here’s hoping that I get ten hours with my friends!

With friendly vibes –

Vanilla Mama

PS- your lucky numbers…11, 13, 19, 21, 25, 28. If you win – take your best friend out!

Intelligent Fortune

“You Will Attain the Highest Levels of Intelligence.”

Since I am considering going back to school and taking some classes to try to put myself in a better position for a lifelong career, that would be good news.

Looking back on my life truly I do not have many regrets…everything I have done, everything I have been through has made me who I am today. Today, I think I am an okay person.  I make mistakes, I’m not perfect – but I am pretty happy with who I am. There are certainly areas of my life that bear improving – but show me a person that is not a work in progress and I will show you a person that is likely six feet under.

The one true regret that I have, not finishing my college education. At the time it was the right decision for my health, and I kept telling myself I would go back. Then I got pregnant and the family years began. There just never seemed to be enough time with raising kiddos, then going through a divorce, being a single parent, getting remarried, having another baby, working two jobs…well. Somehow it just never has seemed the right time.

Here’s the bottom line – I ain’t getting younger. The clocks a ticking, I’m pushing 40. Yes, ladies and gentleman Vanilla Mama is going to hit 40 this year. I have the college freshman and the grey hair to prove it.

“You Will Attain the Highest Levels of Intelligence.”

My advice to my kids, to friends of my kids, to random teenagers I meet – Finish school, go to college, get a degree! The job market is so competitive out there, you need that piece of paper. I am a prime example, I have plenty of experience, but without that slip of parchment showing I stuck it out for four years and got my degree – I am looked over. Many careers/job opportunities do not even want you to apply without a degree.

I have learned the hard way, I am not good at online classes and self study. Tried that – once I set down at the computer to do the classes I get distracted by the millions of other tasks I have waiting or the phone rings. It’s kind of the same thing with exercising at home – we’ve all been there! How many of us have a treadmill that has become a catch all for hanging laundry (please chime in and tell me I am not alone!), a stationary bike that doesn’t move at all, or a yoga mat that serves as a rug? I need the structure of a classroom environment.

“You Will Attain the Highest Levels of Intelligence.”

It’s way past time for this Vanilla Mama to figure out what she wants to be when she grows up! My ultimate dream – I would love to write full time. My reality at this point…I work two jobs, have three kids and barely find time to post a blog (yes, I checked it has been exactly ONE MONTH since my last post!). My wonderful hubby asked, “you are stressed to the max already, doing two jobs, keeping us all on track, how on earth are you going to take classes and go back to school?” My answer was, “I know that at the end it will be worth it. I will be reaching a goal and helping our family!”

I do believe the sacrifice will be worth it – I need to strive to attain the highest levels of intelligence and further myself, my eventual career and set an example for my kiddos.

On a completely unrelated topic – I CUT my hair this week! I don’t mean a little – I am talking Jamie Lee Curtis short. I had her cut off EVERYTHING that was dyed, since I have decided as my New Year’s Resolution…of which I only have one…I am not going to color my hair. I was worried that I would end up looking like a man, but I have been told it is very feminine and flattering.  Not quite ready to share a picture, if you know me on Facebook, you can find me there.

So…anyway, I promise not to be a month between posts next time. I may even try to get on a regular schedule…who knows posting regularly may get my on a path to higher intelligence!

Live, Laugh, Love ~

Vanilla Mama

PS – There are no lucky numbers on Panda Express’ fortune cookies – the turkey butts! Thanks Camille for sharing your fortune with me. BTW – Miss you!

Hard Fortune

Please, can I have for Christmas?

Advancement will come with hard work.

Promise? Really, can you promise me that? Cause, I have been working 60, 70 hours…sometimes more…and I seem to be spinning my wheels. 

It seems like the harder I work, the more I do, the further behind I fall. How is that possible?

I have two jobs right now – one I really enjoy and the other, I have been doing so long…I don’t know what else to do. The stress of both jobs together seem to be part of the fiber of my being, as does the constant clutter on the flat surfaces of my home. I really am an organized person trapped inside a hamster wheel of never ending tasks. 

The loves of my life…my family, my friends, my home, my writing – that is where I fall behind. The time that I spend with my family is precious. The time I spend with my friends I cherish. The hours I spend in my home – I crave! The moments I get to write, I long for. (Let’s not even mention crocheting, reading and taking some classes.)

I have friends that I consider family, God has blessed me with them. I have no blood sisters, but I have women in my life that I am honored to call my sisters. (We need a GIRL’S NIGHT!) When their hearts hurt, I hurt; when they have joy, I am happy. All of us are so busy with “hard work” and we struggle to find the time to dedicate to this amazing gift we have been given! 

I miss my family with a passion so great it hurts. I want to be there for my grandpa, or at least be able to call him on a regular basis! This amazing man that has survived so much – I look up to him and I am so proud of him! My aunts, uncles, cousins – too much time has passed since I have been able to be with you. My parents, my brother and his family – we used to have dinner almost every weekend. Recently we had a family game night with my brother and his family and I was struck by how much I MISS them! My Mom and Dad, they are a source of strength and inspiration to me. I appreciate their support and love and I hope they know how much I treasure them. (Lord knows, I have been remiss in telling and showing them!)

My husband – I consider us still newlyweds. We’ve been married 5 years and heaven only knows why this precious man puts up with me! He has a wonderful sense of humor, loyal heart and incredible mind, I am so blessed that he loves me! He is my rock and without him, without his love and support I would be lost. 

My own kiddos, I am sorry I cannot even begin to describe how much I miss spending time with them. My oldest, in college – I miss him, he is not terribly far, but it feels like a lifetime away. His caring heart, warm personality and infectious smile…I would prefer to have on a daily basis. My middle son, in high school – what a strong, funny and incredible young man. He is intuitive, random and makes me laugh and think all at the same time. His future is so bright! My little guy – what a trip every day. I have been raising these two older boys, ran a home daycare for 10 years and I have never run across a little boy like him. I can’t wait (oh, wait – YES I can) to see the man he will become. Each of my kiddos, each of their beating hearts and working minds are such a blessing to me and I would/will move heaven and earth to experience each moment I can with them. 

I have truly digressed – 

Advancement will come with hard work. 

I am not afraid of hard work. What I am afraid of is losing precious moments with the people I love. 

Advancement is something I need to be able to support my family, to be able to help them realize their dreams. I will work hard to make sure that I am able to lift them up in any way I can.

To all my online friends that read and follow me…thank you for your patience with me. I know that I am not very consistent with my posts. I do follow back and I do read as much as I can. Thank you! 

Plugging Away here ~

Vanilla Mama

BTW – Seriously, I NEED to start playing some of these numbers…maybe my hard work would be a thing of the past. 24, 33, 37, 41, 42, 44.