Tomorrow is another day ~

Good night world...Live it, Laugh it, and Love through it all! There are Hugs for All, Love to be shared and Prayers to offer up. Tomorrow is another day and if He brings you to it, He will bring you through it - even if it is a tight squeeze, trust the one who lifts you up!

I have been snowed under with classes, work and family, but I am still collecting fortunes and Bible verses!

More to come....Thank you for checking in with me!

Yours ~
Vanilla Mama

Live it, Laugh at it, Love it! 2013 - Go Gentle!!

There is no fortune cookie to ring in this New Year…

As 2012 is finally ending and 2013 is about to come on the stroke of midnight, I have spent some time reflecting.

In all honesty, this has been one of the worst years of my life. There have been so many losses and changes (not all bad) that my heart and mind are having a hard time keeping up.

When I am lying in bed at night (or in the wee hours of the morning) I can either pretend that none of it ever happened, or I relive each moment of it. Last night, I dreamed that my brother was still here…that as part of a medical experiment they were able to bring him back. They had not told us he was still alive until they knew for sure that he was going to make it. In my dream, I went to answer the door and through the peep hole, I saw him. The joy was overwhelming…simply and utterly overwhelming. Then I woke up.  I woke up and wanted only to fall back asleep into that dream, but reality has a twisted way of creeping back in.

I have lost a best friend, my father, my brother, a business that I loved went under, a ministry I have worked with for almost 10 years is undergoing many changes (and I am NOT part of them), I got a new job…I got another new job with in the same college. I work with amazing people all around; have a supportive husband, an incredible mother and three kiddos that mean the world to me, a strong sister-in-law and two beautiful talented nieces.

The blessings are there to be counted. I am trying to focus on the positive, on the happy.

It is just so hard sometimes to lift myself up and put on the rose colored glasses.

This coming year I am sure will bring more changes, but I pray with all my heart no more losses.

I am working on finally getting my degree and at 40 years old…I think I have a direction for my life. (About time, right?!) My oldest son is thriving at college, enjoying playing college ball and continues to touch people with his heart, my middle son blows me away with his personality, brain and sense of humor and my youngest, I am just watching to see where his smarts will take him.  

May your New Year be filled with joy, all your fortune cookies be silly and your hearts be lifted.

Thanks for reading and hopefully growing with me. I can’t promise to be more regular…but I can promise to…

Live, Laugh, Love!

Vanilla Mama

Mission of Fortune

“Let your life be a mission, not an intermission!”

This year has been the worst year in my memory, as a family we have lost so much. My father, my brother, my friend (not a death, but now she is somebody that I used to know)…our hopes, our dreams. Changed, rearranged…the normal changed to a bizarre and surreal abnormal. Life altered and hopes destroyed. How, how do we move on?

I am right now in an intermission…I want the pause. I want, I need a break from reality. My breath is held. Waiting for peace. Begging for peace. Desiring nothing more than to wake up from this cruel dream.

A mission, how can my life be a mission? How can I pick myself up and stop this…stop this madness, stop this intermission? I do not know.

Even now, when I see a picture of my father or my brother, my breath catches in my chest and I am immobilized with grief. A sudden memory of them will freeze me. Knowing that there is such a vast hole, a deep black hole where they used to be crushes me.

Every day is step by step. Each moment is breath by breath.

I know that prayers and Christ lift me up, and my unceasing prayer is that this loving God that I cannot claim to understand – show me what my mission is. In all honesty, I cannot see it…cannot feel it…cannot begin to understand. 

“Let your life be a mission, not an intermission!”

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28. I am working toward this, I believe it. Sweet Lord in Heaven above – take my life, and lead me.

Live, laugh, love ~ like there is no tomorrow -

Vanilla Mama

PS…I am sure there are lucky numbers on the back of this fortune, the mission I charge you with is to make sure you tell the ones that you love…that you LOVE them. All our days are numbered and we do not know how many we have.

Brotherly Love

Remembering Steven - 

My Brother and I in March - I Miss you Steven, I Love you!

Steven Earl ****, 6’6”, 362, 38 years old….Born: November 28, 1973. Died: September 21, 2012 unexpectedly of pulmonary thrombosis in his sleep. To most people he was Steve, or Steven – but he was well known to us as Steven Earl, that’s what Mom or Dad would yell when he was in trouble.  When we were little I used to put bricks on his head to keep him from getting taller than me – It clearly didn’t work. That may be why he started finding unusual places to sleep. We would find him sleeping under tables, on the stairs, any quiet place…more than likely anywhere away from his big sister trying to “play” with him.

He was a son, brother, husband and father. He was a friend…to all of us.

If you or someone you know currently has or has ever had the password *************(changed to protect the innocent) to one or more of your electronic devices – I know that you are a friend or family member of Steven’s and relied on him for help to set up your computer and internet. He was our techie – he introduced us to MP3’s, ripping and burning disks, wifi and tried to keep us up to date with technology. 

He had a unique sense of humor – of course many jokes needed to wait until kiddos were out of the room!  But, he could even make the littlest ones laugh. Steven was to them, a big kid. My boys always wanted to know if they could stay the night with Uncle Steven, or when he would be coming over again so they could play.

He loved to play games – whether it was a video game, board game or trivia game. If he suggested playing a game, I knew it was a good one. Fact or Crap, Trivial Pursuit, Apples to Apples, Rayman, Guitar Hero, Mario, Xbox, Wii, PlayStation…He knew them all and not being a ‘gamer’ I know I am leaving out many more.  I do know that He could be the most aggravating person in the world, he would annoy you and push your buttons until you just about lost your temper then could disarm you with a wicked grin and saying something perfectly silly or incredibly inappropriate.  He really was the king of inappropriate humor.

Mary, his wife, called Steven her “Laughter.” Through thick and thin – through ups and downs, Steven was her laughter and her rock. And I know that she and the girls were his greatest joy. 

When I asked for memories of Steven from friends and family, so many people referred to him as a gentle giant – and while it is not in print – a few called him Grizzly Adams. Here he was this big, tough looking man (did I mention he was 6’6”?), all burly with a curly beard worried about a baby squirrel not being able to climb a tree. His heart, his spirit through it all was tender…he was a gentle giant.

Steven did not have an easy life, he struggled with constant pain and inner demons – but this man through it all left us with an incredible gift. The gift of his love.  I know he is looking down on us all amazed at how many people are here to celebrate his life. I do not think he ever realized how much he meant to us all.

The little booklet (given out at the funeral) is full of memories that friends and family sent, the theme of all of the memories together is a testament to his heart. I know we all have special memory of Steven – whether it was calling him for computer advice, laughing with him over a private joke or watching him with his girls. He was a big kid and connected with his girls, my boys and so many other kiddos. They loved to play with him, they trusted him and would sometimes open up to him when they would let no one else in. He didn’t judge them, he didn’t judge us.

I feel blessed by his love, even now. All of us have been blessed by Steven in one way or another. Smart, funny and giving.

Live, Laugh, Love~

Vanilla Mama

Training Fortune

“Let us train our minds to desire what the situation demands.”

Can I have Alice, PLEASE?!

I have certainly begun a new chapter in my life…I have taken a greatly reduced role in the ministry work I have worked in for the last 9 years, I am working a full time job at a community college, and now I am also a very part time student with a husband who travels 50% of the time and despite all his hard work, layoffs are coming down the pike.

What I want…I want to be independently wealthy without a care in the world. I want to sleep until noon, have a housekeeper named Alice who will take care of me and my family, I want to already have my Master’s degree instead of working on my Associate’s! I want to wake up tomorrow and be completely fit and be able to eat whatever on this planet I crave!

However, that is not my reality.

My situation demands something completely different than what my mind wants.

What does my situation demand? It demands frugal living, time management, dietary discretion, organization and a drive to succeed.

These are not wants…these are not idle “I wish” things – these are demands that I must fulfill. But, my mind falls back into its whiny brat mode and stomps its feet to have its way. Pitches a little hissy fit – Jeesh, my mind can be such a PAIN!

If I let my bratty brain have its own way….I shudder to think!

“Let us train our minds to desire what the situation demands.”

How on earth do I go about this? Buy (NO – borrow from the library) a self-help book? Search internet blogs with tips and suggestions? Rejoin FlyLady (that is actually a REALLY good idea!) and take baby-steps to getting my brain trained?

I know that with each baby-step I take towards training my bratty brain, my heart will desire the results and that will help train my mind even more.

I really don’t want to make myself out to seem like this lazy, unmotivated person – because in reality, I’m not. I have a strong work ethic, a drive and determination to move forward with my life, a hunger to learn and have a happy family life.

So…in essence my mind is already trained to some extent, I just have bratty brain moments.

Sometimes, it is just hard to see the forest for the trees when I am in the thick of it and simply want to take a break from the world for a moment.

“Let us train our minds to desire what the situation demands.”

So, bratty brain…you’ve had your hissy fit for the night and it’s time to head to bed!

Live, Laugh, Love ~

Vanilla Mama

PS – I NEED to train my brain to buy lottery tickets, I think the situation demands it (but, I guess it doesn’t count as being frugal – sigh!)!

18, 45, 51, 8, 21, 43

Blocking Fortune

“A closed mind is like a closed book; just like a block of wood.”

For quite some time, I have felt a little closed, a little stagnant. Neither moving forward nor moving behind (of course just the act of standing still puts you behind – life moves forward all around you). My life, my mind felt closed. I had stopped writing, I had been doing the same job for many years, I was wrapped up in the day to day. Until…my husband got notice he was being laid off.

That is a shell shocker for anyone to hear, a deadline when you will no longer have a job. Not having benefits with three kiddos and a host of health issues, not having an income with three kiddos…all very scary. That’s when I took a second job. Got out of the house (I worked from home until then), met new people…my mind started to open. Then I did not like some of what I saw and found a different second job, LOVED the people there, loved the experience – I grew some more.

During this time, my home life suffered – my nights and weekends were never mine. Such is the nature of a retail job. Even though I undertook writing this blog, everything creatively fell behind.  My husband’s job got extended and we felt safe. A year passed.

We got the notice that he is being laid off for sure, there is no stopping it, it is going to happen.

A friend talked to me about classes at a local college and I looked into it. Medical Billing and Coding – I was blessed with an incredible grant and a wonderful advisor who looked at my background of administrating a non-profit and she recommended I apply to a new position opening up in my area with the college program that I was taking the class through. I applied in February, never heard a thing. Figured they had found someone they felt was a better fit.

I took my class, passed with flying colors made some new friends – my book, my mind was certainly opened.

“A closed mind is like a closed book; just like a block of wood.”

No wooden block here!

Then out of the blue – on the day of my final exam, I got a phone call! They wanted to interview me!!

ME?! ME?!

I interviewed and later that night, they called to offer me the job! I start June 15!!

Now – the pay is not fabulous. The benefits are great! The people are wonderful! But – but, even better…

I can take any class I want, my sons can take any class they want, my husband can take any class he wants! I can finally get my degree – really open my mind, really start to grow again!

We are still waiting for the final axe for my husband’s job, but I feel like we have turned a corner. With my evenings and weekends back, our family can get back on track – this will give my husband the ability to find what he needs to move forward with his career. I am excited!

I will still be working two jobs – one at the college, the other still based at home, but it will all be on my terms!

Life, yes, Life is good!

Live, Laugh, Love~
Vanilla Mama

PS – Your lucky numbers, keep your mind open – it could happen! 14, 21, 16, 42, 32, 11

Fortune of Light

Fortune of Light - 

“You should be able to undertake and complete anything you desire.”

From my fortune cookie to God’s ears…umm, eyes. 

I have undertaken many things in my life – some I have completed, some I have not. The key word there is SHOULD.

I SHOULD be able to undertake and complete anything I desire. 

I SHOULD be able to keep up with posting on my blog, finishing my novel (that I have been working on for literally YEARS!), finishing my classes, keeping my house organized and cleaned.  I SHOULD be able to do a 2 mile walk every day, get my Yoga in, keep up with two jobs, three kids and a husband, and my shows on Food Network….I have undertaken all of this. Should, could, would…

Deep breath, everyone…Haha! 

Life gets better, I always does. (Believe me I have learned NOT to say…”It can’t get any worse!”)

I really do see the light at the end of the tunnel – could be the train…at least I have a sense of humor still. Really I do, I gotta! Without a sense of humor, the night falls to fast. 

 I see the daylight, not a daylight so bright that I need to wear shades or cause a mind splitting migraine….but a softly breaking dawn that is embracing me in warmth and love.

“You should be able to undertake and complete anything you desire.”

I have things I am looking forward to – the Next Food Network Star, losing my last 20 pounds…okay, maybe 30, the end of my classes, seeing my sons grow into men, the start of a new chapter of my life, the new Despicable Me movie coming out next year. Guess what my ring tone is….if you have gone back through and read some of my blog, you know I love Despicable Me and I love my Minions. I digress... 

And – with that, I am off to bed. It’s been a pretty long week…my littlest one had his tonsils out and we are medicating around the clock for a weird headache, my sleep is on the low end of the scale right now and unfortunately the bright daylight that won’t let me hit snooze on it will come much too soon! 

As always –

Live, Laugh, Love ~

Your Vanilla Mama

PS – Lucky numbers could help my Breaking Dawn (and NO, I don’t think much could help that movie, maybe better basting for Bella? I digress…) 2, 31, 37, 39, 40, 42.