Tomorrow is another day ~

Good night world...Live it, Laugh it, and Love through it all! There are Hugs for All, Love to be shared and Prayers to offer up. Tomorrow is another day and if He brings you to it, He will bring you through it - even if it is a tight squeeze, trust the one who lifts you up!

I have been snowed under with classes, work and family, but I am still collecting fortunes and Bible verses!

More to come....Thank you for checking in with me!

Yours ~
Vanilla Mama

Live it, Laugh at it, Love it! 2013 - Go Gentle!!

There is no fortune cookie to ring in this New Year…

As 2012 is finally ending and 2013 is about to come on the stroke of midnight, I have spent some time reflecting.

In all honesty, this has been one of the worst years of my life. There have been so many losses and changes (not all bad) that my heart and mind are having a hard time keeping up.

When I am lying in bed at night (or in the wee hours of the morning) I can either pretend that none of it ever happened, or I relive each moment of it. Last night, I dreamed that my brother was still here…that as part of a medical experiment they were able to bring him back. They had not told us he was still alive until they knew for sure that he was going to make it. In my dream, I went to answer the door and through the peep hole, I saw him. The joy was overwhelming…simply and utterly overwhelming. Then I woke up.  I woke up and wanted only to fall back asleep into that dream, but reality has a twisted way of creeping back in.

I have lost a best friend, my father, my brother, a business that I loved went under, a ministry I have worked with for almost 10 years is undergoing many changes (and I am NOT part of them), I got a new job…I got another new job with in the same college. I work with amazing people all around; have a supportive husband, an incredible mother and three kiddos that mean the world to me, a strong sister-in-law and two beautiful talented nieces.

The blessings are there to be counted. I am trying to focus on the positive, on the happy.

It is just so hard sometimes to lift myself up and put on the rose colored glasses.

This coming year I am sure will bring more changes, but I pray with all my heart no more losses.

I am working on finally getting my degree and at 40 years old…I think I have a direction for my life. (About time, right?!) My oldest son is thriving at college, enjoying playing college ball and continues to touch people with his heart, my middle son blows me away with his personality, brain and sense of humor and my youngest, I am just watching to see where his smarts will take him.  

May your New Year be filled with joy, all your fortune cookies be silly and your hearts be lifted.

Thanks for reading and hopefully growing with me. I can’t promise to be more regular…but I can promise to…

Live, Laugh, Love!

Vanilla Mama

Fortune of Light

Fortune of Light - 

“You should be able to undertake and complete anything you desire.”

From my fortune cookie to God’s ears…umm, eyes. 

I have undertaken many things in my life – some I have completed, some I have not. The key word there is SHOULD.

I SHOULD be able to undertake and complete anything I desire. 

I SHOULD be able to keep up with posting on my blog, finishing my novel (that I have been working on for literally YEARS!), finishing my classes, keeping my house organized and cleaned.  I SHOULD be able to do a 2 mile walk every day, get my Yoga in, keep up with two jobs, three kids and a husband, and my shows on Food Network….I have undertaken all of this. Should, could, would…

Deep breath, everyone…Haha! 

Life gets better, I always does. (Believe me I have learned NOT to say…”It can’t get any worse!”)

I really do see the light at the end of the tunnel – could be the train…at least I have a sense of humor still. Really I do, I gotta! Without a sense of humor, the night falls to fast. 

 I see the daylight, not a daylight so bright that I need to wear shades or cause a mind splitting migraine….but a softly breaking dawn that is embracing me in warmth and love.

“You should be able to undertake and complete anything you desire.”

I have things I am looking forward to – the Next Food Network Star, losing my last 20 pounds…okay, maybe 30, the end of my classes, seeing my sons grow into men, the start of a new chapter of my life, the new Despicable Me movie coming out next year. Guess what my ring tone is….if you have gone back through and read some of my blog, you know I love Despicable Me and I love my Minions. I digress... 

And – with that, I am off to bed. It’s been a pretty long week…my littlest one had his tonsils out and we are medicating around the clock for a weird headache, my sleep is on the low end of the scale right now and unfortunately the bright daylight that won’t let me hit snooze on it will come much too soon! 

As always –

Live, Laugh, Love ~

Your Vanilla Mama

PS – Lucky numbers could help my Breaking Dawn (and NO, I don’t think much could help that movie, maybe better basting for Bella? I digress…) 2, 31, 37, 39, 40, 42.

Stumbling Fortune

“When you stumble your love will be there to catch you.”

The last few months have been some of the hardest of my life. Some days are better than other – some days I stumble. Stumble so hard that I can barely breath – my heart will literally skip a beat and I feel the world spinning.

Have you had that feeling?

Like you are there, present – fully, but not really. Almost like what is happening, or has happened really only happened to someone else.  A dream state – a nightmare world, an alternate reality that I want out of.

A stumble so hard that mentally I have skinned my knees. Scraped my elbows. Bumped my head.

“When you stumble your love will be there to catch you.”

“Your love” – all your love – from every source, from friends, from family, from God. All that love, will catch you, catch me…please, please catch me.

When I stumble my love will be there to catch me. All the love that has been bestowed upon me, it is mine. Mine to cling to when my heart is hurting, when I stumble. Mine to share with anyone else who may need it. Because –

Did you know…Did you know love grows when you share it?

I know that – I believe that.

When a man loves a woman it can grow into a child. That is a literal interpretation – to be sure. But, seriously creating a child is supposed to be one of the most expressive and intimate acts of love. (Of course Human nature being what it is – it gets perverted, but I am not going to even touch that here, right now!)

Opening up your heart to a new person – expressing your love to someone, can and does make your love grow. Your circle of people can grow and deepen – if you let it.

“When you stumble your love will be there to catch you.” – if you let it.

Every day you meet people, you don’t know what these people are going through. Did they just get a speeding ticket, did a family member just die – are they just plain stupid, are they going to be a soul mate? Someone that when you meet them, you know the rest of your life is not complete without them…It could be a parent, it could be a sibling, it could be a mom you meet during a little league game, it could be the person behind you in the grocery store line, or the man who helped edit your book…a soul mate is someone that touches your soul. If you let them.

In the last few months I have an extremely dear friend that I called my sister walked away, I lost my father – my life is in flux. I have stumbled…I have fallen, but my love, your love is there to catch me.

I let it…I have left myself open. I am here and present, even though I want to pretend the last few months never took place…

Live, laugh, love ~
Vanilla Mama

Fatherly Fortune

My Dad taking care of Little Me!

I have not posted much as late, and will be checking in from time to time. But, life as usual has thrown myself and my family a tremendous curveball that I need to be fully present for.

My precious father, my Dad, my Daddy – has been in and out of the hospital since Thanksgiving of last year and recently they finally were able to tell us what he was suffering from. This strong, capable, loving man is suffering from pancreatic cancer. It is advanced and it is incurable.

 

All the fortunes in the world, all the little slips of papers that are stuffed in little bites of cookies – do not prepare anyone for this.

Please keep my family in your prayers. Please keep my Father in your prayers, please keep my Mother in your prayers. These two incredible people who have made my life possible, who daily show me an example of love and selflessness, who are facing one of the most difficult things a married couple can face together…with dignity and grace.

Even when I am not there with them, my heart is. I want to wrap my Daddy up in love and protect him from pain and from fear. I want to lift my Mom’s heart up and protect it from the hurt and anxiety. I want to shield my brother, my nieces, my children – I cannot, no one can.

There is one verse, one Bible verse that I look to – Romans 8:28. There is a reason – there is a reason for all this pain, and I pray that God will make it apparent at some point.

 

The outpouring of love and support from friends and family for my Dad has been such a blessing – and I encourage anyone who reads this to reach out today and let someone know that you care. Reach out today…

 
With love, blessings and best wishes~
Vanilla Mama

Hard Fortune

Please, can I have for Christmas?

Advancement will come with hard work.

Promise? Really, can you promise me that? Cause, I have been working 60, 70 hours…sometimes more…and I seem to be spinning my wheels. 

It seems like the harder I work, the more I do, the further behind I fall. How is that possible?

I have two jobs right now – one I really enjoy and the other, I have been doing so long…I don’t know what else to do. The stress of both jobs together seem to be part of the fiber of my being, as does the constant clutter on the flat surfaces of my home. I really am an organized person trapped inside a hamster wheel of never ending tasks. 

The loves of my life…my family, my friends, my home, my writing – that is where I fall behind. The time that I spend with my family is precious. The time I spend with my friends I cherish. The hours I spend in my home – I crave! The moments I get to write, I long for. (Let’s not even mention crocheting, reading and taking some classes.)

I have friends that I consider family, God has blessed me with them. I have no blood sisters, but I have women in my life that I am honored to call my sisters. (We need a GIRL’S NIGHT!) When their hearts hurt, I hurt; when they have joy, I am happy. All of us are so busy with “hard work” and we struggle to find the time to dedicate to this amazing gift we have been given! 

I miss my family with a passion so great it hurts. I want to be there for my grandpa, or at least be able to call him on a regular basis! This amazing man that has survived so much – I look up to him and I am so proud of him! My aunts, uncles, cousins – too much time has passed since I have been able to be with you. My parents, my brother and his family – we used to have dinner almost every weekend. Recently we had a family game night with my brother and his family and I was struck by how much I MISS them! My Mom and Dad, they are a source of strength and inspiration to me. I appreciate their support and love and I hope they know how much I treasure them. (Lord knows, I have been remiss in telling and showing them!)

My husband – I consider us still newlyweds. We’ve been married 5 years and heaven only knows why this precious man puts up with me! He has a wonderful sense of humor, loyal heart and incredible mind, I am so blessed that he loves me! He is my rock and without him, without his love and support I would be lost. 

My own kiddos, I am sorry I cannot even begin to describe how much I miss spending time with them. My oldest, in college – I miss him, he is not terribly far, but it feels like a lifetime away. His caring heart, warm personality and infectious smile…I would prefer to have on a daily basis. My middle son, in high school – what a strong, funny and incredible young man. He is intuitive, random and makes me laugh and think all at the same time. His future is so bright! My little guy – what a trip every day. I have been raising these two older boys, ran a home daycare for 10 years and I have never run across a little boy like him. I can’t wait (oh, wait – YES I can) to see the man he will become. Each of my kiddos, each of their beating hearts and working minds are such a blessing to me and I would/will move heaven and earth to experience each moment I can with them. 

I have truly digressed – 

Advancement will come with hard work. 

I am not afraid of hard work. What I am afraid of is losing precious moments with the people I love. 

Advancement is something I need to be able to support my family, to be able to help them realize their dreams. I will work hard to make sure that I am able to lift them up in any way I can.

To all my online friends that read and follow me…thank you for your patience with me. I know that I am not very consistent with my posts. I do follow back and I do read as much as I can. Thank you! 

Plugging Away here ~

Vanilla Mama

BTW – Seriously, I NEED to start playing some of these numbers…maybe my hard work would be a thing of the past. 24, 33, 37, 41, 42, 44.

Interfering Fortune

Interfering Fortune 

“Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do.”

I cannot run a marathon. I cannot lift weights. I cannot manage to sit and work on my book every day. I cannot get my butt in skinny jeans or ever in my life be a size 2. I cannot get to sleep without my mind racing 2 million miles an hour. I cannot do electrical work, plumbing and honestly I suck at gardening. I cannot keep fish alive, stay organized or simplify my life. 

I cannot fly.

“Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do.”

Wow - that is quite a list. My list could honestly go one – and some of these things do interfere with what I can do. 

Really, I have no desire to run a marathon. Seems like a lot of beating up on my poor body. I would love to be able to run – But, I can walk. I love to walk. I do it every day (weather and sick kiddos permitting!).

I cannot lift weights or be a body builder, but honestly all I really need to pick up is my own butt and my kiddo. Speaking of butts – skinny jeans are just wrong, unless you are a twig or a size two. Neither of which is healthy for someone like me. I do not even think my skeleton would fit in a size two skinny jean. I CAN be the healthiest possible. I can eat real food, whole foods and walk – I am cave woman…hear my nom-nom on my homemade jerky!

With a healthy fear of blowing myself up and flooding my house, I know I can call my dad. (Yes, my husband can be handy – but my Dad is a Handy Man’s Handy Man!) He is amazing – perhaps I should pay closer attention when he helps me out, take notes…video…Even though he and my Mom live fairly close, we don’t get to see each other as much as I would like.

With my Black Thumb (which, by the way – my Dad has a Green Thumb!), I am hesitant to go all in and plant a garden, but I CAN keep my ivy alive and try again in the spring. I have a vision in my head of how I would love for it to look, what I would love to grow. I have day dreams of feeding my family with home grown tomatoes, peppers, etc…I’ll try again!

I am the official “Fish Killer” in my family, the fish at the store jump from their tank as soon as walk in…fishicide is less painful than the thought of coming home with me. It’s like they know…kinda creepy! So, since I cannot keep them alive, I CAN refrain from buying more. I think they are too beautiful to bring home to die…and I DON’T do it on purpose.

“Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do.”

Staying organized is a constant battle, I CAN keep trying and that will help simplify my life. I need to simply – then maybe I could write on my book everyday, maybe I could post my fortunes more often. 

Flying…seriously, that’s what PLANES are for!

My racing brain at night is probably the biggest thing that interferes with what I can do. My walking helps, writing help. But, getting my life simple and organized would probably help the most. 

“Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do.”

I am sorry that my posts are so far between. I am sorry that I have a hard time keeping up with some of the wonderful people I have meet through blogging. I cannot promise to get better – but I won’t let that interfere with TRYING!

Live, Laugh, Love ~

Vanilla Mama

Healing Fortune

“Time heals all wounds. Keep your chin up.”

I have heard so many variations of this through the years. We all have. It is what everyone says when something goes wrong. Through my years on this earth, I have lost grandparents, a marriage and a child. Yes, time helps…it can help. It can turn the open wound into a scab…it can turn the scab into a scar. Time.

Time can truly heal many wounds. It can heal a broken heart, if you let it. It can take your sorrow, pain and devastation and morph it into a new life with promise and hope, if you let it.  

If you let it.

I am not going to even pretend that I don’t think about my losses. They have made me who I am today, they have molded me. I know not to take a single moment for granted – but there are days when I feel totally overwhelmed. 

Days when I open my heart and look at the scars. Days when I look for the dried crusty edges of the scabs and pick at them. Days when I blame myself for the losses. There are those Days.

I would be lying if I denied it. 

“Time heals all wounds. Keep your chin up.”

These are the major wounds of my heart and I try to let time heal them. God brought me to them…He will bring me through them. Even if takes my entire life – time will heal me. 

There are other wounds, wounds that I have inflicted on myself. As if there is not enough pain in everyday life, as if I have not lost enough…I lash out at myself, inflicting wounds.  Small wounds, that over the course of time, because they are so constant and self inflicted, fail to ever scab over and heal right. 

Blaming myself for the loss of my child, my marriage – those are major self inflicted wounds on top of the actual loss. 

But, what about the little everyday things we say to ourselves? I’m not good enough. I’m not pretty enough. I’m not smart enough. I screw up everything I touch.  What kind of effect does this have on us?

It has us running to the pharmacy to fill our anti-depressants!! It has us drinking glass after glass of wine! It has us trying to numb ourselves…because time, precious time, has a very hard time healing wounds that we inflict on ourselves every day. It chips away at our soul. It sets us up for many more heart breaks, because…We let it.

“Time heals all wounds. Keep your chin up.”

How do we, you and I, get through this? How do we heal our hearts? We have to allow the healing. We have to forgive ourselves.

It is a step by step process…everyday.

Everyday, there is the choice to accept the hardship and losses that we face and allow it to become part of our backbone. Everyday…and I do mean everyday…we must forgive ourselves and stop beating ourselves up for our imagined or real shortcomings. 

Our children, our spouses, our family and our friends (yes, even our employers) deserve us at our best.  Self flagellation has no part in our everyday life. 

Time, God, Love…will heal our hearts. If we allow it. 

What happens if we do not allow it? 

Live, Laugh, Love ~

Vanilla Mama

PS – I know this is a serious post, and I have struggled with it. For those of you who know me, you know many of the inner demons that I have struggled with and continue to struggle with.  I will never make light of someone’s loss or pain. My daughter died before she was born. She was stillborn at 27 weeks. It was not just the death of a child, but the death of a dream. There are times when I blame myself for her death – even now, 17 years later. I know that when my life is done and I can finally see the face of God, I will be able to embrace her and know the plan. If you have experienced a loss, or if you are inflicting your own wounds – I am here. And you are so much MORE – You are MORE!

Fortune of Good News

“Good news will be brought to you by mail.”

Please! Please! I could use a little good news…no more bills, just good news. And, NO I don’t count the Publishers Clearinghouse!

When I think about it, and it doesn’t take much thought, I don’t get much mail. I get plenty of bills, sales notices, coupons, but not letters. What is even sadder is I don’t send mail. I don’t even get Christmas cards out most of the time, let alone birthday cards, Thank You notes, just everyday thinking of you cards. Ask anyone who has known me for years…I am great at emailing, I respond on facebook, I text like a mad woman possessed. But, a simple letter, well frankly, I suck!

Yes, there is my confession. Ask my pen pal in Germany from the 9^th grade, oh…wait, you can’t, I wrote ONE letter! Ask a lovely, lovely lifelong friend in New York, ask my family. They will all tell you I suck!

It is a strong way to put it, but I am a realist if nothing else (except when I am wearing my rose colored glasses) and I know it, I own it. I wish I could say, I will work hard to change it, but I know it would probably be a lie. I wouldn’t mean it to be. In my heart I see a neat clean organized desk with lovely Marthaesque stationary where I would sit with a LeBlanc pen and write heartfelt notes to my loved ones. As I gaze upon my desk…umm, kitchen table…I have a nice basket with stationary and envelopes, I also have a pile of paperwork and bills to plow through. Where will that stationary end up?

Why do I even have it out? Because I sent my son in college a care package. Yes, me the queen of not sending mail, I sent a care package. It had coffee, boxers (sorry Pop!), school supplies, an awesome Papo Mutant Gorilla and a letter on my stationary telling him how proud of him I am. I cannot tell you how excited I was for him to get his package, I know he loved it, he was on the phone when he opened it. I will see him this next weekend, so I probably won’t send him a care package this week – but I look forward to surprising him.

“Good news will be brought to you by mail.”

In this day and age of the fast and faster gratification, tweeting and posting, I don’t hold out much hope of good news in the mail. What is truly sad - most of the good news I get in my email inbox is just a chance to order Viagra at 20% off with free shipping or I have won the Lottery in Sweden based on my email address. I know you have the same emails, sitting in your junk box…

THAT’s WHAT I NEED!! A Junk Box for my MAIL box!! If only the mail man could filter it as he puts it in my box – Bed, Bath and Beyond mail – Ok! To Current Resident – JUNK! I could even set it up for him, a separate slot and everything. But, since it is probably the Junk Mail we receive that actually keeps our tried and true Mail Men/Women in service, I shouldn’t complain too much. I just need to send more MAIL!

Maybe if I would send more mail, I wouldn’t rely on my Ebay or Amazon purchases to make my mail nirvana happen….

Live, Laugh, Love~

Vanilla Mama

PS…Your lucky numbers: 11, 13, 15, 26, 35, 40 – Oh 40, I am going to face you down next year! I am finally starting to feel the age I am in my heart.