Facing the Test...Returning!

Lamentations 3:40 - Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the LORD.

My ways have been lacking. There really is no need to test them and I hate to even bring it to the light that my ways are lacking.

Let me clarify – I have not lost faith. My God is an awesome God, He holds me up in His warm embrace of love. He is my strength, my breath, and my hope. I pray everyday, I turn my thoughts to Him and His will. His Son strengthens me and the Holy Spirit fortifies me.

Okay, I am really not trying to sound preachy or holier than thou…cause trust me, I am not. I fall everyday. I struggle everyday. Every. Day.

Doesn’t everyone? Every. Day? I think if you answer no, you are kidding yourself.

You may not even recognize your struggles, or if you do – you will not acknowledge them. Perhaps a certain river comes to mind. (De-Nile…Denial, get it? Haha – really, really old joke!)

Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the LORD.

What kind of test can I expect?

I know, I know where I am falling short. And even in the admission, I am sure that there are more ways that I am falling short of living the life that our Father has envisioned for me. Yes, I believe that He has a life planned for me. Through everything that I have been through, all the good, bad and ugly I have experienced…I know He has a plan. The God of heaven and earth that has numbered every hair on my head – He has a plan!

Do I expect to know it in this mortal body? Can I fully appreciate it with my imperfect heart? Are there parts of my life that I cannot even begin to imagine the WHYs of? YES!

And, I suppose that is part of my test.

Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the LORD.

I need to return to the Lord. I know it with my mind, I know it with my heart, I know it in my soul. I feel him calling to me.

How can I say that? How do I know? When I decided it was time to do a post, I went to my Happiness Mug (don’t know what that is, click here and see!) and pull out a Fortune. I pulled out, “You will make through the tough times, keep your chin up.” I just couldn’t.

Sometimes a Fortune Cookie can be incredibly insightful. But, tonight I couldn’t do it. I felt pulled to just type, “Bible Verse of the Day” into my browser bar…and Google brought me here.

Feels a little like being “talked to.” I just got called out. He wants me to return to Him.

Return to worship, return to praise, return to His house. He wants me to keep my chin up, to remember He has the Master Plan.

It is really hard some days to keep that simple thing in mind. I will pray for you – please pray for me!

~Live, Laugh, Love,
Vanilla Mama

Live it, Laugh at it, Love it! 2013 - Go Gentle!!

There is no fortune cookie to ring in this New Year…

As 2012 is finally ending and 2013 is about to come on the stroke of midnight, I have spent some time reflecting.

In all honesty, this has been one of the worst years of my life. There have been so many losses and changes (not all bad) that my heart and mind are having a hard time keeping up.

When I am lying in bed at night (or in the wee hours of the morning) I can either pretend that none of it ever happened, or I relive each moment of it. Last night, I dreamed that my brother was still here…that as part of a medical experiment they were able to bring him back. They had not told us he was still alive until they knew for sure that he was going to make it. In my dream, I went to answer the door and through the peep hole, I saw him. The joy was overwhelming…simply and utterly overwhelming. Then I woke up.  I woke up and wanted only to fall back asleep into that dream, but reality has a twisted way of creeping back in.

I have lost a best friend, my father, my brother, a business that I loved went under, a ministry I have worked with for almost 10 years is undergoing many changes (and I am NOT part of them), I got a new job…I got another new job with in the same college. I work with amazing people all around; have a supportive husband, an incredible mother and three kiddos that mean the world to me, a strong sister-in-law and two beautiful talented nieces.

The blessings are there to be counted. I am trying to focus on the positive, on the happy.

It is just so hard sometimes to lift myself up and put on the rose colored glasses.

This coming year I am sure will bring more changes, but I pray with all my heart no more losses.

I am working on finally getting my degree and at 40 years old…I think I have a direction for my life. (About time, right?!) My oldest son is thriving at college, enjoying playing college ball and continues to touch people with his heart, my middle son blows me away with his personality, brain and sense of humor and my youngest, I am just watching to see where his smarts will take him.  

May your New Year be filled with joy, all your fortune cookies be silly and your hearts be lifted.

Thanks for reading and hopefully growing with me. I can’t promise to be more regular…but I can promise to…

Live, Laugh, Love!

Vanilla Mama

Mission of Fortune

“Let your life be a mission, not an intermission!”

This year has been the worst year in my memory, as a family we have lost so much. My father, my brother, my friend (not a death, but now she is somebody that I used to know)…our hopes, our dreams. Changed, rearranged…the normal changed to a bizarre and surreal abnormal. Life altered and hopes destroyed. How, how do we move on?

I am right now in an intermission…I want the pause. I want, I need a break from reality. My breath is held. Waiting for peace. Begging for peace. Desiring nothing more than to wake up from this cruel dream.

A mission, how can my life be a mission? How can I pick myself up and stop this…stop this madness, stop this intermission? I do not know.

Even now, when I see a picture of my father or my brother, my breath catches in my chest and I am immobilized with grief. A sudden memory of them will freeze me. Knowing that there is such a vast hole, a deep black hole where they used to be crushes me.

Every day is step by step. Each moment is breath by breath.

I know that prayers and Christ lift me up, and my unceasing prayer is that this loving God that I cannot claim to understand – show me what my mission is. In all honesty, I cannot see it…cannot feel it…cannot begin to understand. 

“Let your life be a mission, not an intermission!”

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28. I am working toward this, I believe it. Sweet Lord in Heaven above – take my life, and lead me.

Live, laugh, love ~ like there is no tomorrow -

Vanilla Mama

PS…I am sure there are lucky numbers on the back of this fortune, the mission I charge you with is to make sure you tell the ones that you love…that you LOVE them. All our days are numbered and we do not know how many we have.

Brotherly Love

Remembering Steven - 

My Brother and I in March - I Miss you Steven, I Love you!

Steven Earl ****, 6’6”, 362, 38 years old….Born: November 28, 1973. Died: September 21, 2012 unexpectedly of pulmonary thrombosis in his sleep. To most people he was Steve, or Steven – but he was well known to us as Steven Earl, that’s what Mom or Dad would yell when he was in trouble.  When we were little I used to put bricks on his head to keep him from getting taller than me – It clearly didn’t work. That may be why he started finding unusual places to sleep. We would find him sleeping under tables, on the stairs, any quiet place…more than likely anywhere away from his big sister trying to “play” with him.

He was a son, brother, husband and father. He was a friend…to all of us.

If you or someone you know currently has or has ever had the password *************(changed to protect the innocent) to one or more of your electronic devices – I know that you are a friend or family member of Steven’s and relied on him for help to set up your computer and internet. He was our techie – he introduced us to MP3’s, ripping and burning disks, wifi and tried to keep us up to date with technology. 

He had a unique sense of humor – of course many jokes needed to wait until kiddos were out of the room!  But, he could even make the littlest ones laugh. Steven was to them, a big kid. My boys always wanted to know if they could stay the night with Uncle Steven, or when he would be coming over again so they could play.

He loved to play games – whether it was a video game, board game or trivia game. If he suggested playing a game, I knew it was a good one. Fact or Crap, Trivial Pursuit, Apples to Apples, Rayman, Guitar Hero, Mario, Xbox, Wii, PlayStation…He knew them all and not being a ‘gamer’ I know I am leaving out many more.  I do know that He could be the most aggravating person in the world, he would annoy you and push your buttons until you just about lost your temper then could disarm you with a wicked grin and saying something perfectly silly or incredibly inappropriate.  He really was the king of inappropriate humor.

Mary, his wife, called Steven her “Laughter.” Through thick and thin – through ups and downs, Steven was her laughter and her rock. And I know that she and the girls were his greatest joy. 

When I asked for memories of Steven from friends and family, so many people referred to him as a gentle giant – and while it is not in print – a few called him Grizzly Adams. Here he was this big, tough looking man (did I mention he was 6’6”?), all burly with a curly beard worried about a baby squirrel not being able to climb a tree. His heart, his spirit through it all was tender…he was a gentle giant.

Steven did not have an easy life, he struggled with constant pain and inner demons – but this man through it all left us with an incredible gift. The gift of his love.  I know he is looking down on us all amazed at how many people are here to celebrate his life. I do not think he ever realized how much he meant to us all.

The little booklet (given out at the funeral) is full of memories that friends and family sent, the theme of all of the memories together is a testament to his heart. I know we all have special memory of Steven – whether it was calling him for computer advice, laughing with him over a private joke or watching him with his girls. He was a big kid and connected with his girls, my boys and so many other kiddos. They loved to play with him, they trusted him and would sometimes open up to him when they would let no one else in. He didn’t judge them, he didn’t judge us.

I feel blessed by his love, even now. All of us have been blessed by Steven in one way or another. Smart, funny and giving.

Live, Laugh, Love~

Vanilla Mama

Breathing

How do you measure a loss?

What constitutes a loss?

We are constantly watching Wall Street and the gas pumps, every nickel, every penny….tracking loss.

Losing your phone, losing your keys, losing your dog….

I have lost all of those.

And most anyone who is reading this will acknowledge that none of these, NONE of these prepare you for the loss of a person. A live, human, breathing, loving person.  A person that you love.

How do you measure that loss? How do you get past it? There is no financial advisor, no hidden extra keys, no micro chip embedded in a lost pet, no cell phone insurance – they are gone.

A co-worker, a friend, a family member…an aunt, an uncle, a grandparent, a parent, a sister, a brother,  a spouse, a child…how, do you measure that loss. How do you move on?

Day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute, second by second – breath by breath!

Please keep my family in your prayers. We have lost so much…we have lost my father to pancreatic cancer. My grandfather’s son, my mother’s husband of 40 years  (almost 41 years), a sibling to my aunts, an uncle to my cousins, a friend to many more than I could name….he has gone home.

He was welcomed home by many loved ones, friends, cousins, aunts, uncles, a mother and a grandbaby.

Day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute, second by second – breath by breath.

Fortune Cookies, Bible Verses, and Prayers…many, many prayers!

Most important - Prayers!

Fatherly Fortune

My Dad taking care of Little Me!

I have not posted much as late, and will be checking in from time to time. But, life as usual has thrown myself and my family a tremendous curveball that I need to be fully present for.

My precious father, my Dad, my Daddy – has been in and out of the hospital since Thanksgiving of last year and recently they finally were able to tell us what he was suffering from. This strong, capable, loving man is suffering from pancreatic cancer. It is advanced and it is incurable.

 

All the fortunes in the world, all the little slips of papers that are stuffed in little bites of cookies – do not prepare anyone for this.

Please keep my family in your prayers. Please keep my Father in your prayers, please keep my Mother in your prayers. These two incredible people who have made my life possible, who daily show me an example of love and selflessness, who are facing one of the most difficult things a married couple can face together…with dignity and grace.

Even when I am not there with them, my heart is. I want to wrap my Daddy up in love and protect him from pain and from fear. I want to lift my Mom’s heart up and protect it from the hurt and anxiety. I want to shield my brother, my nieces, my children – I cannot, no one can.

There is one verse, one Bible verse that I look to – Romans 8:28. There is a reason – there is a reason for all this pain, and I pray that God will make it apparent at some point.

 

The outpouring of love and support from friends and family for my Dad has been such a blessing – and I encourage anyone who reads this to reach out today and let someone know that you care. Reach out today…

 
With love, blessings and best wishes~
Vanilla Mama